no actually we're just good friends.

Wednesday, November 27, 2002:

im in amsterdam...roughly two months since ive seen american soil. i come home soon...im excited but know, down low, that i will miss what i now know as 'the road.' and why isnt anyone writing in my guestbook? just because i never check anymore doesnt mean you have to stop. come on. crikeezgoddamnit.
{beat surrender}an update, take a photo.
Sunday, September 22, 2002:

I will be leaving the american states in less than two weeks. I want to say good-bye to everyone, although this attempt will surely fail since no one thinks to check this site anymore. which is fine, i dont care. im not leaving forever, only about two months. if you want to greet me on my arrival date back to the states on dec. 6, just look for the drunk underfed gross guy dressed in a kilt and bowler hat who smells like tobacco and pepper dancing down the corridor. laughing. a lot. dont bring kids. that would be bad.
{beat surrender}hot damn. check me out.
Friday, August 30, 2002:

ROMANTIC SUN SIGN ------ for Gemini------- Ê Describing the Twins as mercurial is right on the money, since Gemini is ruled by the Planet Mercury. Moving, restless, seeking, learning -- Gemini is constant motion, a torrent of wind which is in keeping with this sign's element of Air. The Twins are highly intellectual and won't hesitate to play mind games with a lover, mere child's play to them. They are also great communicators, so get ready to hear everything from pithy remarks to impassioned pleas. Inventive, quick-witted and fun, the Twins will jump around from one lover to the next until they find one who is almost as smart as they are and able to keep up in this high-spirited race. The reward for those who can lasso a Gemini is a free-spirited lover who shines at parties but is also a devil in the bedroom. Many Geminis are also ambidextrous. Ooh.
{beat surrender}ladies and gentlemen, we are floating in space
Wednesday, June 5, 2002:

i dream of space travel with 60's art decca chairs like in 2001: A Space Odyssey, sans evil computers named hal. HAL?! IBM?! CAN'T YOU SEE THE CONNECTION?><><><><><><><><><><>say it......say it......conspiracy.......say it.......BILL GATES IS GOING TO BE DESTROYED BY HIS OWN HAND. and by hell's bloody rapture he will know it. (liberate tute me ex tempris)
{beat surrender}im in a bad mood today
Sunday, May 19, 2002:

you all want an update? go read the fuckin' news or something. stop bitching to me about it. Im a man with a lot on his mind. ive got too much crap to do to worry about this damn pitas page. its a joke anyhow.
{beat surrender}
Sunday, April 28, 2002:

this weekend was something else. Prom was lovely, everyone was so lovely. well done to us procrastinating boys who pulled it off. well done indeed. i wish i had taken a camera though, because the full moon over the ocean is quite a sight. last night was crazy and i'll leave it simply at that.
{beat surrender}yep.
Sunday, April 14, 2002:

And then a scholar said, Speak of Talking. And he answered, saying: You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts; And when you can no longer dwell in the solitude of your heart you live your lips, and sound is a diversion and a pastime. And in much of your talking, thinking it half murdered. For thought is a bird of space, that in a cage of words may indeed unfold its wings but cannot fly. There are those among you who seek the talkative through fear of being alone. The silence of aloneness reveals to their eyes their naked selves and they would escape. And there are those who talk, and without knowledge or forethought reveal a truth which they themselves do not understand. And there are those who have the truth within them, but they tell it not in words. In the bosom of such as these the spirit dwells in rhythmic silence. When you meet your friend on the roadside or in the marketplace, let the spirit in you move your lips and direct your tongue. Let the voice within your voice speak to the ear of his ear; For his soul will keep the truth of your heart as the taste of the wine is remembered when the colour is forgotten and the vessel is no more. - -Kahlil Gibran
{beat surrender}
Saturday, April 6, 2002:

after being in a car yesterday listening to oldies for a long time, it reminded me that i dont listen to the radio much anymore. it also reminded me that Lindsey knows her oldies WELL. she would sing along to about every single song that came up. last night was a blast, O brothers. We began the night, as every night, at the Korova milk bar drinking our Moloka plus. anyhow...it was fun. I drank some watered down coffee from the land of the rising sun, and then i did leave the half-full can of coffee drink on a road in west salem. last night was also the night we established FFR, which is also classified information. (yes, you have to be beat in if thats what youre wondering.) but it looks like the longboards will have to collect some more dust because the clouds have come rolling back. but not for long, eh?
{beat surrender}
Thursday, March 21, 2002:

So im much better in the truest sense of the word. no more scurvy, yellow or typhoid fever, or any sort of sickness. the mono thing - to those of you who know about it - was a sham. The doctors were deliberately making a joke of it. They've had their fun. Im all better, thanks for two main things.....one) Spring is in the air. Two) Im going to prom with the girl of choice (YES - although she's probably reading this and going "man alive, im going to prom with a complete dweeb.) i would say that my biological tendencies have something to do with it, but thats boring. well, anyhow, im going to go work on my application for WORK so i have something to do during the day that can get me away from this damn machine. good day to you all.
{beat surrender}thermometer in enlightened fingertips
Monday, March 11, 2002:

i love how i know nothing of computers and have my friends do my webwork for me. (what webwork, Shoki?) yeah, exactly. thanks to doug sherwood and that's about it. thanks though - plenty of it. but hey, i could really care less about what it looks like - i frankly wouldnt mind one black slate with white lettering. (hmm.....) well anyhow - sick again here. i think ive got typhoid fever, or maybe scurvy. no coughing or anything, just weakened body. but according to some doctrine somewhere, that means the iceberg tip for a fever. so tomorrow im here, resting. no school. sucks, cos ive got work to do. otherwise, two thumbs up. i suppose i do need the rest though.
{beat surrender}
Saturday, March 9, 2002:

theres a lot to this world that i dont completely understand. a deep and opaque mass of water frightens me - and then i think about it, and it intrigues me. but i still fear it somewhat. a sky of grey depresses me - and then i think mozart, and it suddenly seems fit. but it still depresses me. i posess a mind full of facts, yet i know that no matter how much i learn in my lifetime, i will never know everything. i see a million different things a day and stop to think about less than ten percent of them. the rest are left to my imagination and whatever else is going on at that instant. i ponder more with the thoughts in my head than the facts trying to get in. but of course, its all rather relative to my state of mind and its surroundings - wheather or not they correspond to my interests at the time.
{beat surrender}
Sunday, March 3, 2002:

im grasping for what to say. the colors on this webpage are much too bright and happy for my present mindset, and i think of something else.....is it too much to ask for a change? possible change is so close. i have no patience. things are happening that i never would have expected from the source. and now that its happening, i couldnt think of it as it was and it seems to pain me if i do. is there no closure to worry and assumption? probably not, and i try to immerse myself with other things to simply keep my mind off it. i doubt anyone honestly knows what i speak of, im not expecting you to. but its always nice to be safe in the knowledge that youre understood, so i strive to not only be understood, but understand. too many things unworthy of understanding, yet so many things worthy but seemingly impossible. Now, in due to my previous message, i doubt anyone will be reading this. but if you do, then yeah i suppose ive thought of something to say and write. i needed it out of my head. and now, apparantly, into everyone else's.
{beat surrender}"They say that all good things must end someday...autumn leaves must fall."
Monday, February 18, 2002:

So I end this for now. Who knows though, one day I might think of something too great to keep to myself.
{beat surrender}
Saturday, February 9, 2002:

dick dale isn't dead and he's proving it by playing a show on valentine's day at the crystal b-room! be there or be square, you lovers!
{beat surrender}
Tuesday, February 5, 2002:

today i came to the realization that being pissed off and frustrated all the time gets me completely sidetracked from whats important these days, and that its a huge waste of time. my time. the time im to be using to do great things while i still can. i know i know, you're all saying, "but shoki - youre only seventeen..." well, i'll be eighteen in june, and that means cigarettes, and that means aging more quickly. but seriously, im not seventeen forever, and im not saying i would even want to be by any means, but i am saying that ive got to do whatever the hell it is i need to do while im here. and that goes for any age. i know each year will progressively become more important in terms of what it is i need to do, but why worry about that now? so anyhow, im going to stop being frustrated. the worries i face now - however important they may seem - wont matter so much in five years. maybe stuff like girls will, or jobs, and school....and thats all i really worry about now. i dont know. i suppose i simply want to be less concerned with things. i think a lot of people my age think like this, or at least i hope they do, because i dont want to sound like an idiot complaining. i dont even know why i post this shit on the web. i need to keep these things to myself.
{beat surrender}
Tuesday, February 5, 2002:

today i came to the realization that being pissed off and frustrated all the time gets me completely sidetracked from whats important these days, and that its a huge waste of time. my time. the time im to be using to do great things while i still can. i know i know, you're all saying, "but shoki - youre only seventeen..." well, i'll be eighteen in june, and that means cigarettes, and that means aging more quickly. but seriously, im not seventeen forever, and im not saying i would even want to be by any means, but i am saying that ive got to do whatever the hell it is i need to do while im here. and that goes for any age. i know each year will progressively become more important in terms of what it is i need to do, but why worry about that now? so anyhow, im going to stop being frustrated. the worries i face now - however important they may seem - wont matter so much in five years. maybe stuff like girls will, or jobs, and school....and thats all i really worry about now. i dont know. i suppose i simply want to be less concerned with things. i think a lot of people my age think like this, or at least i hope they do, because i dont want to sound like an idiot complaining. i dont even know why i post this shit on the web. i need to keep these things to myself.
{beat surrender}
Saturday, February 2, 2002:

well, after reading Ashley's response to my riddle i realized that i should, indeed, have said 'how many letter are in THE english language'...it still would have made sense - plus would have been more difficult. anyhow, i just added a Stephen Malkmus & Jicks link over to the immediate left, then down>>> so check it out . i randomly add websites for good stuff on here, so be sure to drop by to see if theres anything new. and once and a while for what I write, too. The day is young, i woke up too early, i already had my caffeine, so i cant go back to bed. i dont have my liscence yet, so i cant drive anywhere....and even if i did have my liscence, i dont know where the hell i'd go. its ten thirty AM.
{beat surrender}
Thursday, January 31, 2002:

as i look down to my immediate left i see that ive left the tea-bag in my tea-cup for a very long time. i now fear to sip, for its strength may be shocking. no matter. today was surprisingly lovely - along with this whole week as a matter of fact. its thursday...and im sure ive just jinxed myself so that my weekend will be complete and utter crap. maybe not, i'll have to find out. all right...well ive thought up another riddle for you, and it goes as follows....'how many letters are there in english language?'
{beat surrender}
Friday, January 25, 2002:

no riddle today. but i would like to say that after immense talk on the subject last night with lindsey, the world is a stupid place. it may be beautiful, serene, and incredible at times, but the people within in completely ruin it all. people are so stupid. i cant stand it. and its not like we can all go take classes to become smart and logical, because it doesnt work like that. some people are naturally gifted with common sense and sensibility. most of the faction under the sun, however, fail to come across as really smart people when it comes to human nature & reason. and unfortunately, a common belief nowadays is that we humans will know the end of the world by means of our own transport. in other words, we will cause our own armageddon. we'll try to stop it, but in doing so we will only cause further damage and destruction. its sickly ironic, but im sure its true. and who knows, i mean---the end may be caused my that theory which tells of the sun - the largest star known to us - losing all its radial energy and burning out, like stars tend to do. but that will be another like, multi-billion years before that happens, and i think the destruction of man will happen much sooner. because we are stupid.
{beat surrender}
Wednesday, January 23, 2002:

as bob dylan once said, "the times are a-changin." thats true. and with the times go many things. in fact, essentially everything goes with time - but theres something more. and i say this cautiously....because i dont know what i'll be faced with by saying so. but i think theres much more to all this than what merely passes along with time. time is relative, anyhow, to our approximate state of mind or being or....something. theres more. i know it. and although ive now lost the nerve to say it, i continue to mean it and know it. the only thing is, you dont know that i do - and whats more is, you dont know what im talking about. although it isnt difficult to figure out. maybe someday you'll know, too. maybe you already do. wouldnt that be grand
{beat surrender}riddle#2
Saturday, January 19, 2002:

the scientist has invented yet another wonder-machine that can be a train, plane, and boat - but not at the same time. the train was rolling along on some tracks, and the tracks fell out beneath it. it then changed into a plane to fly away. flying over enemy lines, the plane was shot down into the sea. the wonderful invention then sunk to the depths of the ocean. why didnt it turn into a boat and sail away to safety?
{beat surrender}
Tuesday, January 15, 2002:

so no one really liked the riddle. either that, or they didnt bother to come to my page to see it. thanks, linda, who did. and she even answered correctly without even knowing it. well, ive decided to post a weekly riddle for extra fun and entertainment. and i'll keep with this one, unlike my former idea to post a monthly quote. that didnt hold. basically because i forgot after a while. anyhow - the answer to the last one was that the man never did live to sea the ocean. he died before he ever saw it (there once LIVED a man who never saw the sea.) and so when the rest goes on to say he cried in awe of its beauty, it doesnt make sense because he never saw it. sadly.
{beat surrender}a riddle for a penny (for your thoughts)
Thursday, January 10, 2002:

solve this, you smarties - "there once lived a man who never saw the sea, and one day he decided he would go and see it once and for all. when he reached the beautiful coastal shore, he cried in awe of its beauty. he lived happily ever after." nice story, eh? yeah, 'cept it doesnt make any sense. how so? FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELF IF YOU'RE SO SMART. sign the book if ya do. (this is not some IQ or SAT test question.)
{beat surrender}
Tuesday, January 1, 2002:

and so its two thousand two. where do we go from here? the optimist would say, "live and let live!" and the pessimist would say, "down the same ol' road." I say we've come this far, why stop now? and although i agree more with the optimist, i see where the pessimist is coming from. more on this later...
{beat surrender}
Thursday, December 27, 2001:

first of all, i feel like an old man to have to squint down at the keyboard to type because no, in my seventeenth year of lifei have not completely nor comfortably memorized the lettering ona keyboard why? who cares. and also because i am neither wearing my spectacles nor my contacts. id go put either/or on/in, but they are all the way upstairs. i wish i lived in a one-story house. why are levels called stories anyhow? they surely arent good ones. ive never had to be kept at the edge of my seat for any. well, the topic for tonight is lindsey rose's last entry to her page. i found it fascinating. "why, shoki?" well i'll tell you. not only because my name is in it - yes. - but also because it made me think. indeed it did, and too little things nowadays really make me think, and i commend lindsey for that. i enjoyed her party by the way, and would too have liked to hang out a bit more afterward, but it was 2 am and jourdan & melanie were tired. i just sat at home afterward hoping someone would sign online. alas, no one did. anyhow, about feelings being further and larger than we may often think...i must say its an intriguing thought to think and be thought upon. feelings are very tender things, not always so ready or prepared as we may want then to be. and its the small things that kill us. many small small things, going at us at full speed, unwilling to slow down. they hit, and we hardly feel them, but then when everything comes together, we fall to the ground and dont know entirely why. but back on track - feelings always tend to be misleading due to their lack of common sense. when our feeling take over our bodies, we react on whatever feeling that is, and usually quite illogically. however there is that sense of complete sensibility when we do use common sense and are able to control our feelings when they come out too strongly. and i admire those who can. and about those open doors - we ARE young, and we dont want to realize it because we want to believe that we are ready for the great open world and whatever comes with it. its frightening. more frightening than we could imagine, because for the most part, we have not yet experienced that stuff. some of us have, and others have had a taste. but to those of you who have not and think you have, you've got something else comin', and if you dont watch out it'll knock you down even harder than your irrational thoughts based on insensible feelings. take it slowly. we've got time. stress is bullshit, and we dont need it. dont let some "curtain" keep you down from the real importance in life. life. something we dont entirely understand quite yet. it really is a beautiful thing...honestly. forever learning, we are.
{beat surrender}five more minutes....
Thursday, December 27, 2001:

what the school administration doesnt know is that we like being away from school, and that upon our return to the classes we will sit in silence dreaming about half-eaten sugarplums dancing through our heads, and how much we wish we could finish them - at home - in peace. school is but that seemingly far off sunrise, imminent and tedious, from our sweet slumber that is winter break.
{beat surrender}with love
Sunday, December 23, 2001:

now, on the eve of christmas eve, i wish to all a happy christmas and eventful new year. for new years - go out and party and have a good time, get drunk if you must. just dont think you can drive afterwards. and dont be an asshole. no one likes an asshole. especially on new years, although it may be better understood then. its weird.....i can remember the year 2000 new years like it was yesterday. it wasnt as huge as one would have expected it to be. i mean, hey - millenium. oh man. and then 1999's new years was fun. all we did was sit in amber stefani's basement and watched the big ball go down. but in all actuality, it was fun. i had a good time. i dont remember 1998 or anything before. so dont ask. "war is over if you want it, war is over now"
{beat surrender}funny how things go
Sunday, December 16, 2001:

i was downtown today, and couldnt help but overhear someone say to another, "we ought to respond to the offensive misconduct of others." after sitting down in a puddle to think, and inevitabley soaking my trousers, i didnt completely know wheather or not to agree or disagree to this statement. of course, it is all in how one should inflect upon it, first of all. and i think i took it too first-hand and literally. as in, to respond on the spot. more thought now, while i change my pants...
{beat surrender}
Wednesday, December 5, 2001:

i dont think i believe in fate. fate, as in, a "set future" kind of fate. i think the concept of a fixed point in a time not yet experienced is rediculous. first off, there is no natural "set" time. time has been created by us as something to call a series of events and how we can explain why the world keeps turning light and dark and light and dark for some reason. well, this sort of fate pertains to time and a set future. there is no such thing as "future" if there is no time, thus theres no such thing as fate if there is no future. but then i could argue that the random occurances of things is pretty wild, too. but i think its true - we have no idea what will happen within the next 10 seconds, we will just assume that with every passing word you read here a fraction of a second will go by. but who knows? your computer may crash, there may be a noise to distract you from your reading, there may be a knock at the door or a bark from a dog or something. we dont really KNOW what will happen. anything could happen. it isnt up to us to just decide that there will be a set time in which this will happen then and that will happen tomorrow. theres no tomorrow. there is as we know it, but tomorrow is just a word for the next time the sun comes up. and hey, billions of years from now, considering life will still exist here, the sun is going to go out and some tomorrow will not exist. of course, how do i know, right? how do i know that will happen, its a "future" occurance! thats true, and i dont know, per se - but thats whats been hypothesized. and it makes enough sense i suppose. the sun is just a big ass star, and stars go out all the time. but we dont know it, because thats happening out there - in space - in relative space and time. what we know of time is relative to where we are, i suppose. but back to fate - the other kind of fate, the "meanings" and stuff...id like to believe in that. and ive seen it somewhat, but i cant be too sure. the whole "love and meant for each other and love at first sight" concept. its odd, but some like to think it makes sense. i dont know. i guess its just another one of those things you want to know sometimes, but dont want to try due to the possibility of losing your mind.
{beat surrender}George Harrison Feb. 25, 1943 - Nov. 30, 2001
Friday, November 30, 2001:

Good ol' Georgie. May you rest in peace.
{beat surrender}a nice outlook on the night from the point of view of a lonely boy.
Friday, November 30, 2001:

after a look at the past couple days and nights, there's no doubt as to what is on every oregonion's mind - daisies. no, actually, storms. the weather outside is frightful, and family & friends gather into random homes to sit in front of fires which are so delightful. a hot beverage makes for a good handwarmer, young couples snuggle under blankets and laugh over really stupid things, 'tis the season to be merry, and im eating lasagna and drinking ginger ale and listening to in-a-godda-da-vida.
{beat surrender}in response to jourdan's entry
Monday, November 26, 2001:

what if wishes were fishes? do you realize what you say, man? listen to yourself....you are killing yourself over what cannot be changed. nothing can change what will happen in the future because, like you said, we dont know. but thats the sheer grandness of it all. the very fact that we have no fucking clue as to why doing this or that right now will help us in the future is the key factor. i mean, of course things like getting an education will most certainly help us achieve good things in life, but that is so small of us to think like that. things here are finite, yes thats true. but everything is not. life is a grand thing. theres so much more to it than oneself. i dont mean to say your last entry sounded selfish by any means, i have those thoughts all the time. and then i think about it - you see? although we as people are finite, theres so much more out there that isnt. time and space are infinite, supposedly. hell, time itself doesnt even exist! so what? theres much more out there that has yet to happen. and all in good time, figuratively speaking. dont think of there being "a future." just think of events happening the way they do. today, i got out of bed, it was eleven o'clock. i was sick. i am writing this to you now, it is fancy that, eleven o'clock. exactly 12 hours after i woke up. and then i say, thats bullshit. things just happened today, who can say that i woke up at a certain, fixed point in "time" today? why cant it just be that i woke up when the sun was here in the sky, except i couldnt see it because it was cloudy, too? huh? anyhow...im rambling. sorry. my point is this: there is much too much stuff here, now, to be apart of to be worrying about what will happen in an alleged "10 years" or something. so truth, eh? yeah....its important. thats about it. the "truth" is, there is no "future", so with no "future" you've one less thing to worry about. and that certainly is one thing that can drive a man insane, so feel comforted, for gods sake. thats all. take heed. oh, and im a hypocrite, too. like i said to you before, its too hard not to be one.
{beat surrender}
Saturday, November 24, 2001:

i dont know how many of you remember, but a while ago - namely, last april - i wrote in my webpage about a thought i had about minds being trees and stuff. here it is: -----"ok, i have something....i guess. i was just thinking about, well, thinking actually. heres what i mean - when you think about things, your mind is racing back and forth between many, or not so many as the case may be, thoughts that are tangled up in your brain. when it thinks of one thing, that thought may branch off into another idea that holds a completely different aspect of the original thought that brought you there in the first place. are you with me? ok well, with this in mind (nothing funny about that) think of all the different doorways that must be inside your brain to be able to do this, especially when you consider all you've learned in your life. with every thought comes a completely different thought which may remind you of another totally opposing thought which in turn leads to another contradiction, and so on and so forth. sigh. so many thoughts. "so little time, so much to know." (jeremy, the nowhere man in 'yellow submarine' by the beatles) so - this only goes further on to show that nature has intertwined itself, with itself. this "branching of thoughts" thing that i just thought of could also take shape within a tree. the body, with extending branches, which extend into smaller branches, into twigs, into leafs, into those little "veins" that a leaf has. crazy. a tree is just like the brain. and you know whats even more interesting is, a large oaktree, when looked at from a distance, takes the shape of a brain. and this "branching" process takes course everywhere in nature. the human body, animals, rivers, roots, the galaxies, the universe with all the planets and things." all right. now, i wrote that based upon my own thought that came to me one day during lunch. since then, this guy - who i know reads my site - has come up to me and told me about what he thinks his thoughts are like......no shit, a tree. it kinda pissed me off. i mean, sure, he could have thought it on his own, but i didnt want to talk about it like it was a great thing, because i already had several months prior. i suppose i would simply like to have my own thoughts and perhaps keep them to myself. and i hate this entry because now i sound like some greedy asshole. but i dont like being ripped off.
{beat surrender}
Wednesday, November 21, 2001:

it seems as though the tables of time have turned within my mind, for my state of conciousness is that of an old grecian man who spends his day thinking in and out of the box, because i feel more and more tired and sleepy during the day than i ever have, in addition to my constant mindless dazes down the halls or onto the classroom walls of south salem high school. that is, i doze off quite a bit in attempt to stay awake in class. (my parents dont know this, but apparantly i dont mind that they find out, for i am posting it on the world wide web.) maybe im coming down with something, i surely hope not though. much too much going on to sit out in bed with a garbage bucket next to me incase of the usual "burp/vomit" attitude - highly disagreeable - that my belly seems to have whenever i gain another flu. i wont think of my sudden lethargy as an illness. instead, i declare it an inclination to do well in school, thus waking an hour before sunrise to work my ass off in a concrete building only to develop a cough from the cold around my confines, and a buildup of exhaustion in my mind and body. there i have it, the reason for my ails. ah, boy. excuse me whilst i slip into slumber.
{beat surrender}clarification
Thursday, November 15, 2001:

I have an Art Institute of Chicago tshirt that my mother bought for me at - no other place than - the art institute of chicago. I did not purchase it at goodwill nor value village. is it too difficult for people to believe that i might actually wear clothing from non-thrift stores? and if so - why?
{beat surrender}
Sunday, November 11, 2001:

"no thing shall ever come in between me and my comrades, like no thing shall ever come in between night and day, april and may, 'B' and 'A', yea and nay, come what may."
{beat surrender}
Sunday, November 4, 2001:

schroeder said that beethoven was great. lucy then asked if he was a king, 'coz only kings can be great. schroeder responded "no" and was then flung - literally - from his piano due to an incredible force which was lucy's yell. "NOT A KING?!" cried lucy, and proceeded to exclaim that beethoven couldnt be great if he wasnt a king, because only KINGS could be great. i feel sorry for schroeder. he is my favorite PEANUTS character. and for a while i thought i hated lucy with a passion, but then i saw her kindness towards her kid brother linus, and that made me like her a bit more. and if you dont know what im talking about, you should. seriousley.
{beat surrender}
Sunday, November 4, 2001:

schroeder said that beethoven was great. lucy then asked if he was a king, 'coz only kings can be great. schroeder responded "no" and was then flung - literally - from his piano due to an incredible force which was lucy's yell. "NOT A KING?!" cried lucy, and proceeded to exclaim that beethoven couldnt be great if he wasnt a king, because only KINGS could be great. i feel sorry for schroeder. he is my favorite PEANUTS character. and for a while i thought i hated lucy with a passion, but then i saw her kindness towards her kid brother linus, and that made me like her a bit more. and if you dont know what im talking about, you should. seriousley.
{beat surrender}pay your regards to ludwig van b.
Sunday, November 4, 2001:

schroeder said that beethoven was great. lucy then asked if he was a king, 'coz only kings can be great. schroeder responded "no" and was then flung - literally - from his piano due to an incredible force which was lucy's yell. "NOT A KING?!" cried lucy, and proceeded to exclaim that beethoven couldnt be great if he wasnt a king, because only KINGS could be great. i feel sorry for schroeder. he is my favorite PEANUTS character. and for a while i thought i hated lucy with a passion, but then i saw her kindness towards her kid brother linus, and that made me like her a bit more. and if you dont know what im talking about, you should. seriousley.
{beat surrender}pay your regards to ludwig van b.
Sunday, November 4, 2001:

schroeder said that beethoven was great. lucy then asked if he was a king, 'coz only kings can be great. schroeder responded "no" and was then flung - literally - from his piano due to an incredible force which was lucy's yell. "NOT A KING?!" cried lucy, and proceeded to exclaim that beethoven couldnt be great if he wasnt a king, because only KINGS could be great. i feel sorry for schroeder. he is my favorite PEANUTS character. and for a while i thought i hated lucy with a passion, but then i saw her kindness towards her kid brother linus, and that made me like her a bit more. and if you dont know what im talking about, you should. seriousley.
{beat surrender}
Wednesday, October 31, 2001:

it was rather stange....i have never been wished a happy halloween before, and today i was. very abruptly. it was nice, in its sincerity. and she who wished it to me is a nice girl. and of course, all i could think of to say was "thanks." no return in wishes, not even the "you" and the ed of "thanks." just, "thanks." well, i doubt you are reading this, but happy halloween to you, too.
{beat surrender}
Monday, October 29, 2001:

does anyone remember that show Masterpiece Theatre? I just remembered it. It opened everytime with a camera rolling about a room full of stuff for the sophistos. all the classic books, a magnifying glass, the open book with bookmark and a conveniently placed monacle on the open page. big, loftly leather chairs, coffee tables with brandy snifters and expensive cigars placed on the sides of ashtrays made of gold. the sculpture of some ancient grecian genius' head on the mantle, feather pens in a gold ink bottle. Wooden bookshelves climbing high, out of the view of the camera, which is implied by the many ladders placed carefully against the shelves themselves. Needless to say, someone of high importance must live here. And i forget his name, but he just hosted the show. And that same brilliant song played everytime, that well-known tune that soon became the show's identity. i'd sing it, but you wouldnt be able to hear it because i dont know how to put midi files onto my page. well anyhow, I never see that show anymore. I havent even heard of it for the last several years.
{beat surrender}space ghost is a humorous show.
Friday, October 26, 2001:

sitting here in my mother's classroom reminds me of how much i like sprague. i mean, not as a school, but as a building. its got these fascinating murals on the walls, which always make me think when i walk by them. they change, too, over the years. i particularly like the ones from several years ago, maybe four years ago they were especially interesting. strange stuff that arent usually thought up. anyhow, its two o clock and im still here. i think i'll leave soon, depending on mother. listening to pretty to look at. good music - my thumbs stand high
{beat surrender}
Wednesday, October 24, 2001:

whosuch nonsense whatsense sixpence. tally fray beetlebum, nigel's toes gin & rum. hallie may work today, some will say come what may. united by a haircut, surpass and call it time - go along with all the words and end it with a rhyme. dont walk through another door, cherries always hit the floor from the trees in scottish lore, very mary tyler moore. pickles have the dillyness, carriers of sillyness, determining if Mrs. Ms. (miss is miss.) to go and play outside. its raining its pouring, the snoring is old man. my brother snores. it wakes me up when it snows outside. (alas, it never snows outside, so it never wakes me up.) alack, alack, i listen to the knack, london cradles many men, just to break and fall again. the men come to america, the land of brave and free. and yet with eveything you own there always comes a fee. but this is only fair, according to a rule, which, probably as far as i know, came out the ass of a mule. the statement makes a different sense, so different from our own, that when we try to listen, we're simply overthrown. it isnt fair, indeed, we know. but everything is either to or fro. to AND fro, is what i say. that makes all the routine pay. stop this rote and passive world, what we deserve can be unfurled. "to and fro, stop and go, thats what makes the world go 'round. in and out, spic and spout, thats what makes the world go round. to every to there is a fro to every stop there is a go and thats what makes the world go R O U N D"
{beat surrender}=w=w=w=w=w=w=
Friday, October 19, 2001:

this whole weezer thing is getting a lot of say. i think weezer to be that band alwyas playing in the background at james' house when i used to hang out over there a lot. i remember the good ol' days of sophomore year when i first started to find my love for =w= and all that came with it. which was, at the time, not too many people. but then, i found the ever-loving crowd of weezer fans to be growing more and more. at first i thought it to be a coincidence, but i also found that james was popular with pretty much EVERYBODY. and so, he spread the weezer love by writing the insignia (=w=) essentially everywhere. and i was hooked. he thought weezer was the best, and so did i. then, when they came out with the green album, the rate at which weezer grew in popularity increases to no bounds. its cool, but man oh man. weezer shit is everywhere. its really too bad that rivers thought weezer was dying, because since he did, he wrote crappy songs (for the most part) and made an album to advertise the "new weezer." i mean, really. Rivers, what happened to all the creativity that was put forth in the blue album and pinkerton? i miss that side of weezer. i miss rivers' boyish look. he now actually looks his age. which is all well and good, but the moptop was great. and the songs he used to write had no boredom to them. they were all unique and....oh, yes...GOOD. none of this stupid repetitious "every guitar riff to every song is just the vocal melody" crap. i miss weezer. who stole my weezer? who stole my rivers? bring back my matt sharp. rock on, brian & pat. its up to you now.------=W=, rock on.
{beat surrender}entry#38 in a minor
Monday, October 15, 2001:

the things we are taken for in this life sometimes just arent worth the time. and i've realized this for quite some time, but today it happened to come to mind again. clearly. but in thinking about it, i also understand that the shit we learn to deal with is also the shit that gets us through this life of ours. so, in a very moderate sort of way, be grateful for this education system we have. its all we've got. we take it for granted too much, yet, being a senior in high school it is very difficult to stay focused on schoolwork when i know theres more out there that i have yet to see. it takes a sloooow process of something, for which my patience is diminishing quickly. in fact, its almost gone. but to stop complaints, and proceed. i go, and you. godspeed!
{beat surrender}entry#37 in c major
Saturday, October 13, 2001:

well i went down to the local education center this morning and brought with me the required elements for the examination process: a calculator, 2 #2pencils - soft tip, and the SAT admission ticket. so, needless to say, i sat with my stomach growling for 3 hours due to lack of breakfast, then finished with the unpleasant surprise that none of my friends were there. i was alone, with a bunch of sprague people, with my desire to walk downtown stronger than my will to walk home. but i gave into my will. i was hungry, i could walk somewhere for breakfast but then i'd feel even more a lonely little boy. plus, i needed money for that, which i had at home and not with me. its a saturday, and i should be out and about, doing things. its sunny, and we arent going to get many more of these days much longer. this is my opportunity, to take a walk into the depths of salem's streets, no car, no vespa, just me and my feet (and the slight chance an aquaintance would see me walking and tell me to hop in their car, in which case i would be happy) and my humanly intuition for adventure. about the SATs, i have no clue how i did, so dont ask.
{beat surrender}
Saturday, October 6, 2001:

waking up and feeling sore stumbling 'cross the freezing floor read the paper, its a bore, drank some tea and then some more. fuzzy vision, i cant see - get my glasses...gotta pee. wash the hands and wash the face, put on pants and shoes that lace, get my wallet - good, now race to catch the bus to go to (place). friends house, knock, no need - no lock. just open door, tip-toe on floor so not to wake for friend's rest sake. kitchen counter, notepad, pen. write down where to meet and when. and why, perhaps, lest he not know..."the courthouse square, you better show!" leaving friend, my feet i send, flying out around the bend. hail a bus, i make no fuss, "to portland, driver!" (his name is russ.) arrive at noon, whistle a tune, await the night to see the moon. my friend has come, 7:51, not too much longer - now set the sun! down, down, and down it goes, as people gather reading prose, children stand upon their toes while parents lift them, and on it goes. the sun now set, the sky looks wet, there are no clouds, you better you bet. a patient silence, a steady air, the people gath'ring 'round the sqaure. the stars a-twinkle, a shadow cast - the moon is in the sky at last. heads turn around and fingers point, excitement fills us all - now joint - in hands and hearts and minds and worlds, the center of the sqaure unfurls......the bricks split open, out comes a light so brilliantly bright in spite, for all our eyes squint at the sight. the brightness fades, and now gives way to a wooden box that plainly lay encircled in the moon's ghostly ray. and, leaning down towards the ground, a man makes out some writing - and stands back up and walks away, crying from the sighting. and then the crowd grew curious as to what was written lo, and one my one from father to son, they exhaled, "now we know." my curiosity grew with every one that now knew, and i decided to walk up to read...and word by word i increasingly heard the number of people take heed. and because of their kneeding i could not keep reading and soon lost my place in the lead. but from what i could see before they got rid of me was a phrase so simple, so clear - and although i dont remember precisely what it said, it stays in my heart so dear. im sure that one day you'll find, come what may, the meaning to life on your own, do not forget what youve learned every step, for in the end it is shown. thats what was written on the box, that day in the square - the meaning to life was inscribed in the wood, but you didnt really need to be there.
{beat surrender}
Sunday, September 30, 2001:

"where theres a will, there is a way" or so the olde tyme saying goes. and walking through the Elsinore theatre yesterday, i came across a large mural on the wall which had the following words written at the bottom; "i have more desire to stay than will to go." i then looked up and it somehow made more sense to see a scene from romeo & juliet. yes, that made all the difference. and how true it'was, i found as well, that some moments are truly so wonderful in their moment being, that you feel as though you could sit likewise for an eternity. and WHEN all of you read einstein's dreams, you will understand when i say, "like the center of time" in which time stands still. - "a lover's embrace is frozen in place, and the mother holds fast to her child. the planets and sun are not done nor begun, the beast not tame nor wild. but then, in start, everything falls apart, and the lovers are torn from each other, while not two feet away the child does now sway in the arms of her sweet loving mother. but to no content has this poem meant and sorrow or uttering sadness, for in this life of peace and strife it all boils down to gladness."
{beat surrender}
Sunday, September 30, 2001:

love is too complicated. why do i even try? heres why: it isnt possible not to. and not because i "need a girlfriend, boo-hoo-hoo." but because i already am in love. and i dont know what the hell to do about it. i dont want to try like before. quoth the raven, "nevermore."
{beat surrender}
Saturday, September 29, 2001:

i have to be at work in a couple hours, so i will make this short - although a couple hours is a long time, so theres no need to make this short. but im going to anyway. i would hate to know everything. that way, whats left for me to learn? to what reason would curiosity serve? nothing. i would know it all. i would hate that.
{beat surrender}
Saturday, September 22, 2001:

pumpkins and eggs sitting together in harmony upon a large brick wall which seperates my world from yours. smiling, i look up at the two plump, well-dressed faces i see. the pumpkin smiles back, the egg remains locked on what he sees in front of him. i turn to look, and see him - the old man with the cane jumping from rooftop to rooftop, singing "tonight's the night, tonight's the night." and i listen to him, and his hoarse voice fades away into the evening's air. i then look back up to the two sitting on the wall, and see them laughing and holding their bellies as they do. the egg falls and cracks himself right open. the pumpkin just sits there and laughs, holding his belly still. "and i still believe that i cannot be saved!" he laughs down to me, as i watch the fluid from the egg drip and stream down to the lower part of the land. and as i follow, i hear the distant sounds of laughter from the pumpkin. the egg's mouth floats by, saying "tonight's the night. watch where you step." i thought about this, and wondered why is was where i stepped would matter, but then the mouth said again, " because i'm on the ground, you moron." i rolled my eyes at this, and went on. soon, the old man lept by us again, chanting "tonight tonight" again and again. we then wandered into a world of trees and walked further on when i noticed that no longer was there a puddle of egg innards next to me, but rather, a beautiful young lady who looked very familiar and apparantly she thought the same because she began to speak to me as if i knew what she was talking about, which i did. strange. curious. i then heard her say, "tonight's the night, dont let go." i then found myself saying, "should i fall from grace, here with you, would you need me too?" smiling at this, she walked further and we came upon a clearing which had a plain view of the sky, all distorded and colorful. the sun turned from shape to shape, and color to color. and moon seemed to be the center of everything, and staying constant, aside from smiling every once and again. clouds rolled in from every direction and then disappeared in an instant. the skytook on levels, shades, and storm seemed imminent. sure enough, thunder and lighting came soon after this thought and caused more destruction than i thought possible. the sky soon cleared and the moon kept smiling. the stars poked out of the disorder and the sun eventually set. here we were, at the top of this very high ridge (it wsas very high, you know.) looking down upon the land where we saw a city surrounded by great brick walls, and to my non-surprise, many small, round things sat on the tops, laughing, holding their bellies and pushing each other off, watching the other crack and drip away as they hit the stone floor. and, what was most strange was that i saw a small boy looking up at each wall, following each dripping, flowing egg or pumpkin flow away into the town and into the woods.....and each time this happened, the sky began to change but again. we then heard a booming voice from the gallows shout "the world is coming" and although i didnt know at all what he meant by this, i decided to follow my lady-friend, after all, she was grabbing ahold of my hand. walked into another wood and found a round of trees which opened doors to other worlds, and we found your door. here we come. look, i can see you. watch out for the pumpkins, ive found that they serve no good here, nor anywhere. they simply cause havoc and chaos. the eggs are the peaceful ones. but yes, indeed, i know now that tonight is the night. but dont worry, we will find a way to offer it up to you as well. besides, time is never time at all.
{beat surrender}
Friday, September 21, 2001:

remember when i said i was going to go out and take a bunch of pictures in pre-planned formation? well, i did it with some friends and liked it. a lot. therefore, i want to do it again with a bunch of you guys. please. consider and reconsider. then tell me what you think.
{beat surrender}
Sunday, September 16, 2001:

the queen of clovers is getting a divorce. it makes sense, the king is an ass. and besides, she's only seventeen. A queen to the country, her land and villagefolk - royalty to her subjects - majesty through family, just a pretty little princess to me. i wish that one day she would walk right up to me and say in that sweet voice she speaks so softly......
{beat surrender}
Friday, September 14, 2001:

this is crazy. outside, right now, there are extremely large lightning bolts being spewed down from the grayish-black sky, due to unecessarily thick, dark, foreboding, unhappy cumulus. and the thing is, its JUST lightning. NO thunder, NO rain. just....lightning. its like the lightning wanted to go do some mischief, and the thunder and rain seemed to prefer to go precipitate and cumulate elsewhere. either that, or they simply wanted to remain spontaneously balanced for tonight. or, i suppose they could have just felt like ditching the lightning because he was being an ass or something. in any case, its just so anomolous.
{beat surrender}
Wednesday, September 12, 2001:

i dont think ive said this before, and you need to know. i love you.
{beat surrender}
Thursday, September 6, 2001:

sometimes there are things that happen and you dont really know why. you dont know, no one really does, you just go ona nd keep thinking about it. and sometimes its the same thing with thoughts. you know? like, there are some things that are jsut worht thinking about and some just...not. at all. but its so hard not to, i can never go about and not think about something that just pops into my head out of nowhere. so many different things. happy, sad, frightening, angry, exciting, ANYTHING. this place is too twisted to NOT think about all these things. its too open, its too bland. but at the same time its just too beautiful not to think about it. you can helo but to think about everything thats going throuhg your head at any given moment. one thing, a bird singing in a tree, on a branch, flies off and swoops by a pretty girl, your focus it instantly taken away from the bird and onto the girl. then, she walks around a corner, leaving you to think about the man that walked by her walking the opposite direction, therefore he is walking toward you, and then you start to think about which way you'll go to avoid a collision. ok, thats one thing. GOD! where am iu going with all this?? damnit. this place is too good to just be going around doing nothing. its too extensive to be in one mindset at all times. its too beautiful to be sitting in one place all day. theres too much to see, too much to think about. and someimes it just happens. sometimes one of those thoughts will just pop into your mind and not know why. it will take you somewhere completely different. it will make you think of another thought based off of what was in that thought. its a tree. its a tree. thoughts have branches. thoughts have wings. thoughts of thoughts of thought of thinking of anything. reason, treason, season, why, where, who when what, hy whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy. things that arent meant too be considered. things that dont present themselves quite as usually as other things. random places, people. different times. random nonsense, that is perfect nonsense, or sense, rather, and logic to the spontanious mind. anything and everything. i dont know i dont know. sadness, for instance, brought on by one thought leading toward another in no particular order or anything. not knowing why, either. frustration. details details details. complicate things, details do. they complicate and make sense of things. and with logic and sense and real life come depression and sadness. with real life comes happiness. but no particular order. things are spontanious. things are random. there is no order, but there is soo much. there is no order in the sense that things happen, things are thought up, things are taught, they're listened to, they're spoken, thrown, set down, thrown up....you know, whatever! theres so order in that sense. in the way of politics, government, school, in the way of those, there is an "alleged" order. and, even this is being thought against. there is no order in life. and because of that, random things are meant to happen. so random isnt even random anymore, and never was, we are just to unintelligable to know so. but thats why its all so right. so perfect. we are all rediculous, and thats the way it should be. its beautiful. this life, our life, its beautiful. life....yeah.
{beat surrender}more on apples. and coins.
Sunday, September 2, 2001:

but then again, apples do that curvy, universal thing at each end, and grapes do not. this will be the only relevant way of proving my apple/grape theory wrong, but i will still find a way as to why the apple has it, and the grape, in fact, does not. for now, i will leave you all to this thought; "what if there were coins of negative value? for instance, say i had to buy something for $5.25 and only had $5.30? then i would take out my negative value coin of -5 cents and give it to the cashier along with the 5.30, and then i wouldnt have to be irritated by the bothersome 5 cents he/she would give back to me as change."
{beat surrender}
Friday, August 31, 2001:

this is what i figure about apples. i think that apples are - in a way - like oranges which are - in a way - like grapes. therefore, apples are very similar to grapes. here's what i think - since grapes are so small, they can be soft yet sturdy due to their size - physically speaking. Now, according to the laws of physics, something the size of an apple could not be so soft as a grape, else it would easily break. this is where the oranges figure in. they are soft and large, yet sturdy because the inside of an orange is split onto sections, with each section shaped in such a way that they hold quite well in the shape of a sphere, even without the peel - but my point is; from the grape, we can progressively relate to an apple. ok, the orange - its soft. its stable. it is relatively the size of an apple. this is one step closer. but an apple, being the predetermined size of an orange, is hard. why? becuase the inside is not sectioned off. the inside of an apple is a whole. the grape shares very similar characteristics, besides the inner portion - but that is my point. as i said before, grapes are small therefore proportion proves that it can withold itself being. Apples are larger, therefore differentiate in relative proportion. it wouldnt be able to withold itself as a soft fruit, which is why it requires a much more solid inner body. take the grape. if you were to enlarge a grape and keep it in originality, it would be a large, squishy thing that wouldnt be so pleasant to eat. BUT - if it were to grow in every way possible, the outer layer would get a bit thicker(to about the thickness of an apples') and the innards would harden in order for it to maintain it taste. so yes, an apple is basically a larger version of a grape.
{beat surrender}Desafinado
Wednesday, August 29, 2001:

showering is nice, especially when you just sit there for about half an hour. and, having just gotten out of the shower myself, i must say that i am refreshed and ready for a brand new day. i think i'll start out by saying that ANTONIO CARLOS JOBIM is some of the best damn music ive heard in my lifetime. so i highly advise all of you to go out and get a recording of his. YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT. (unless you are bound to liking one type of music only, and if so, i feel sorry for you. even if it being jazz, which JOBIM is, you have my pity.)
{beat surrender}
Wednesday, August 29, 2001:

last night i had a really fun time going to a party thrown for Alex Comstock's 17th birthday. Most the people there i had seen sporatically over the course of this summer, but none, really, to which i hung out with. so, needless to say, it was a good time. after the party (which was a good one, you know) adam and derek and i went over to the local popscene - shari's. there we saw tim, ellen, jourdan, kirtsen, & melanie. apparantly doug had been with them earlier, and i was sad to see that he could not partake in such eventualities. well, i was sitting down eating a good load of shari's delicious homefries, engaging in friendly conversation when tim walked up and started to accuse me of something i really didnt feel all that bad for at the time. ellen and kirsten soon followed. then we left and i went over to tim's car to see that jourdan and melanie had emitted heavy breathing which caused to back window to fog up quite a bit. however, i soon found that they had just been talking. and because they were both dressed, which i was very happy to see, and were sitting on their own sides of the car, i didnt assume anything. jourdan then began to tell me that he was quite concerned if i had indeed told them the thing i told them which earlier i told you tim was accusing me about....and then i felt a slight pinch of guilt. but its ok, because everyone turned out happy. at least they were happy when we left them to their eventful evening.
{beat surrender}
Sunday, August 26, 2001:

when i first signed on, i had something in mind to write about. and it didnt have anything happy about it. but sitting here, trying to figure out how to word it got me thinking. and each and every one of you were tangled in my thoughts. and just by doing that, im happier. so you wont ever have to hear about my sadness. thank you. im happy now. and i hope you all are too, i really do. because it seems that too often are people not happy when i am. and whenever im not, people are. thats too bad. and now that im happy, i hope you are too. go listen to the beatles song "if i fell." thats what got me happied.
{beat surrender}which is right, and which is illusion
Thursday, August 23, 2001:

"what seemed a dream, was in fact, a dream. but what seemed reality, indeed, actually happened. and although these things may be, we try to humor ourselves by saying that dreams are worth believing, and the reality of it all can be set aside for a moment's time." -
{beat surrender}im 57. honestly. im 57.
Monday, August 20, 2001:

im convinced that i was born 40 years behind schedule. at least i wanted to have been. here are a couple reasons why - audrey hepburn. the ventures. the beatles. optimism. everyone wearing the same kinds of clothing(no fubu or tommy hilfiger.) cooler cars. typewriters. converse. original surf mode. local barbeques took place every sunday. people actually dressed up for formals. "bob newheart"(well, sort of. but you get the idea. or maybe not.)all the girls were attractive. or so the movies and picture shows tell us. but then again, so was everyone. even the 45-year-old parents of the school's cheerleading captain. and theres another thing. sports were cooler because the whole team wasnt made up of gaffawing jackasses. (not saying anything, not saying anything.) basically, the music scene was better, the recreational scene was better, even the hair-dos were better . but what do i know. i gotta go, im late for work.
{beat surrender}
Sunday, August 19, 2001:

ever feel like a no-good run-down good-for-nothin waste-of-space bellyachin ramshacklin stinky-ole'-sock-in-yer-brother's-mouth waiting-for-the-bus-to-spray that dirty-water-all-over-your-new-FROCK-and-its-white and-raining-samonella-in-your-tropical-leisure-drink so-you-get-sick-and-hafta-go-to-the-doctors-office for something you are wayy to confused about to be even thinking about yet you do coz there isnt anything better for you to do with a thermometer under your tongue with a small fly crawling up the wall to your immediate left to tell you that it is more mobile than you are and flies of with a hearty laugh that you can only dream of laughing, too for the sake of peaches and cream and beetlebums all over the place in your hair and someone mistakes it for dandruff yet you are beyond the point of caring anymore so furthermore you have had a bad day and you need a friend to talk to more than anything family member would do you pretty darn well as well so get well soon and hopefully we will see you in about a week back at school to learn and be with friends for another whople year and after that it'll be sad coz the seniors will leave and leave all their other friends behind to relinquish other such thoughts of motion picture soundtracks and optimistic skepticalism along with freedom of choice and speech even though most people dont use it for their disposal and when they do they tend to get out of hand like just now i was reading in the newspaper that war and bloodshed are breaking out all over the middle east and no one could care less about it yet they should because it is a slightly serious matter that should be given the proper attention but unfortunately our mr president apparantly thinks otherwise and is becoming very laggish in his details about what the hell is going on over there thankfully reporters have somewhat of an idea and arent afraid to publish but even so the end of this article asks if the president will lead the way for us to become a better nation and actually help with the settlements and bring this world to peace or at least try to god i dont know i wish i did but i wont try anymore because it simply places me in foul mood from which i dont know where to go but we will soon find out i suppose because thats all that there is left to do, isnt it? this is crazy. look at what i just wrote. what am i thinking? ficklelittlepieceofpie.
{beat surrender}just read it, ok
Friday, August 17, 2001:

there is just too much shit floating around in this world that isnt worth the fuss of dealing with, or even thinking about and/or worrying about. and dont let a simple instance fool you. they are everywhere - looking to waste your time and get you stressed out. i have a very bad habit of not looking where i go and running into many of these things. people tell me that i beat myself up about it too much. and maybe i do, how am i going to know? but besides me, life is full of other more important and amazing things to consider, rather than to waste time. time is a precious, precious thing. and not just time, but people you love, things you love. there are too many moments that have the potential of being passed unless something is done about it. and thats a huge part to life - to take risks and learn from mistakes. mistakes are simply details of the risk, however, and for the most part, details arent worth the time either. i can think of millions of examples to which i speak of, but rather than giving examples and instances i simply want to say that heartfelt instinct should be followed, promises should be made carefully, and should be kept having been made. and as a conclusion to all this, i want to say that life isnt what passes you as you sit in front of a tv to watch a favorite program. life isnt the money you make to buy your state-of-the-art technical fantasies. life is getting off your ass to do that thing youve wanted to do for the past year. life is grasping that moment youve always been waiting for and holding it so close that it feels like an eternity has passes at its end. life is the stories you write on a plain sheet of paper you can get at a store for cheaper than the pen you bought to write them with, which is less than 50 cents in itself. life is the feeling you get when you see someone you love for the first time in a couple weeks. life is every note written down within every staff and measure of Ludwig Van's Symphonies and Sonatas. There is too much beauty thats hard to find and too much crap that can be spotted from a mile away. its all relative - we just need to find a way to ignore the bad and recognize the good, wheather or not it be easy or difficult to spot. so dont wait around for the future to catch up to you, because the truth is, there is no such thing as "the future". only "a future." and basically, thats for you to decide.
{beat surrender}oh the wheather outside is frightful
Thursday, August 16, 2001:

and the fire i wish i had in front of me is so delightful. and wheather there be a reason for the season i wish i knew, too, because the seasons are pissing me off. summer is spring and spring is fall. fall is summer, if a summer at all. winter can be all at once, as we oregonians know - coz one day its sunny, and the next a storm may blow. but thats just a dream, or a joke some might say. because, you see, in oregon we, have the same sort of thing in may. just now, i was looking out the window and noticing how nice and cloudy today was - so that when i go to work i can sleep coz no one will want to swim on a cloudy day. but now, for some particularly lame reason the sun and the clouds have arranged an eventuality in which they negotiate on who gets what time of the day. and look, its the sun's turn - right before my shift. god. GO FIND ANOTHER TOWN TO HARASS AND LET THE CLOUDS GIVE US RAIN, DAMNIT. just, just go away for now. come back later. the sun is alot like a computer. sometimes, you really like it and want to be around it forever it seems until you have a mood swing and you with your computer would go and get virus-infested (having unplugged itself from your home, that is)and die miserably in the street wishing it had treated you better when it had the chance, which relates to the sun in that it just annoys you sometimes. so maybe that isnt a great analogy.
{beat surrender}i was going to write story but my mood suddenly altered.
Wednesday, August 15, 2001:

SO, i will just tell you all that i am feeling extremely bored and want to do something. and you know, theres a saying that goes "theres no such thing as boredom" or something like that because apparantly there should always be something for you to do, and its true to some extent. but as for right now, i insist on that being a load of crockyshit. some of you may be saying, "well shoki, why dont you just write that story if you're so bored?" and thanks a lot for the encouragement, but if i were to do that, it would simply feel like an assignment because i already said that my mood tells me otherwise. so some other time. GOD i want something to do. however, instead of complaining i will tell you something else. that is, if youve made it this far despite my petty whining. i will tell you of my trip i just got back from. no, actually i wont. so let me say, i want a cup of tea and something solid to munch on. i think i will go ge some of that. afterwards, i think i will go sign back on the computer and be disappointed to see that no one will be online. disappointed, but not surprised. after all, what a glorious day to be out and about rather than updating your website. ugh, im done. all in all, this was a complete waste of my time, but it would be even more so if i just select all and delete. so, i present you two minutes worth of shoki's complaints. thanks for listening.
{beat surrender}BIRDS CAN'T FLY! KITES CAN!
Wednesday, August 1, 2001:

fish dont swim and birds dont fly! why oh why must you insist on this lie? just like "walk" is not a verb and Rivers isn't shy! just like everyone in the world likes their ham on rye! "meriangue is not a pie! meriangue is not a pie!" the crazed chef shouted as he waddled with a sigh. poor man's pocket empty with his head held high. rich man wins gamble and soon begins to cry. the earth stops crumbling, people no longer die. the world will never overflow, just divide by pi. a growing sea of mercury, a reddish-orange sky. people walk along the shops not knowing what to buy. not knowing what to buy or sell, depending on the lie. its best to wait until the night is over, morning nigh. argue 'til no compromise, neither will be the more wise, moon up moon down then sunrise. just dont ask me why.
{beat surrender}m m r+e o y
Monday, July 30, 2001:

the summer is already almost over and through with. and just now i am remembering back a couple years when my brother and i would spend the summer nights downstairs next to the television watching nick at nite's block party summer on tv. and in remebering this, i find that it was then when i was truly happy. i can so distinctly remember the back doors open for the breeze, and the tv being the only light i could see - watching "i love lucy" or "bob newheart." haha, bob newheart. what a drag. but he's funny sometimes. all the shows though - dick van dyke, mary tyler moore, taxi, bewitched...geez. just watching one of those shows right now would make me so happy. i need to be happier more often. im too concerned about things not worth the concern too often lately. memories really help though. they really do. in fact, i think that people should push themselves to make one memory a day. and not anything stupid like, "today im gonna eat a bunch of food till i throw up and then drink like a fish!" no, nothing stupid like that. but something meaningful, something exciting. something not everyone else will be doing. well whatever...its not like im expecting people to actually go out of their way to make a memory. and anyone smart would see the point which is to be made in the former sentence.
{beat surrender}imagine this. ants on a curiousley strong peppermint.
Tuesday, July 24, 2001:

im not here. this isnt happening. in a little while, i'll be gone. but truly, i will. i am leaving this place in exactly 8 minutes. im not home right now. i am here, at my father's office, collecting a headache as the carpet under me collects dust. as the window next to me collects rays of sunshine. i am collecting irritability. and heres my wave. hang ten till we meet again.
{beat surrender}miss me? HA.
Friday, July 20, 2001:

hello, everyone - im back. back from camp, back from wonderment, back from paradise, back from being carefree, back from a break from routine and disillusioned work order. back from a place where time seemed to be non-exsistant, for i dont recall two weeks passing. honestly though, for the past two weeks, ive had no concept of time at all. its been heaven. but yes, anyway, im back. ive returned to a place of conformity, a place of schedules and routines, a place of expectations, and a place of daydreams - rather than living them, im dreaming them. but its good to be back. i say this as i hear a sound outside that i most closely relate to some overgrown hairy creature piercing the air with its low, gruffy cries. hmm. and as most of you think "dog" i think "really big, fantasy-like spider with a mouth that opens sideways." but anyways, im back. its good to be back.
{beat surrender}monologue
Sunday, July 8, 2001:

im leaving for YMA in a couple hours, and i need to do a monologue for admission. so, from memory, i want to see if i can type it without it in front of i. whilst eating vany-illa yogurt, naturally. this is a monologue from "The fall of the house of Usher" by Edgar Allen Poe.-------"Do i hear it? Yes...i hear it. and have heard it. long...long..long - many minutes, many hours....many days have i heard it! but i dared not - Oh, pity me...miserable wretch that i am!...i dared not...i dared not speak! we have put her living in the tomb! said i not that my senses were acute? i now tell you that i heard her first feeble movements in the hollow coffin. i heard them, many many days ago - yet i dared not - i dared not speak! and now...tonight...Ethelred...ha-ha-ha! the breaking of the hermit's door! and the death cry of the dragon! and the clangour of the sheild!.....say, rather the rending of her coffin, and the grating of the iron hinges of her prison, and...a-and her struggles within the copper archways of the vault! Oh, whither shall i fly? will she not be here anon? is she not hurrying to upbraid me for my haste? have i not heard her footsteps on the stair? do i not distinguish that heavy and horrible beating of her heart? MADMAN! MADMAN! I TELL YOU THAT SHE NOW STANDS WITHOUT THE DOOR!" ok, thats it. and i admit, it took me about halfway until i needed to fetch it in writing.
{beat surrender}yark
Friday, July 6, 2001:

a yark is a small, furry creature which walks on all fours and cries, "yark! yark!" all day long, and into the night. it was discovered in the early 1800's by some spanish explorers navigating in the swedish alps. the yark tends to make its home within the snowy mountaintops, and dwells in caves. sometimes, depending on what kind of yark it is, they will make tall grass hut-like structures which are very tall and slender. almost seeming impossible to live in. but remember, yarks are a very small species. the largest recorded yark was about 2 1/2 feet long and about 10 inches wide. they have short snouts which seems to contain no mouth, only a rather large hole at the end. so i suppose that could act as a mouth as well as a nostril-like characteristic. it was two eyes which vary in size, and are usually either black or green. its hair is very thick and soft. its looks are very appealing to the human eye. that is, appealing in that one would be prompted to go up and pet it. and you probably could, for the yark is known to be a very friendly creature. its ears represent that of a dog's, in that they are very floppy and furry. they have a very keen sense of hearing, smell, taste, and vision. they arent all that strong, but they do hunt in packs. so you wouldnt really wanna piss one off. they only come out at night, and they have very thin, scrawny legs. they run quite fast, though. their feet are large, and slightly circular. toes do not exist. neither do fingers. so they arent very nimble. however, they are very very intelligent. even more so than the ever-astonishing chimpanzee. and they learn very quickly. it is my personal belief that one day the yark species will take over the earth. and then perhaps the moon. and i really wouldnt surprise me if they took over this solar system and its galactic enterprise. it seems frightening, but by that time, humans and yarks will most likely be working together in peace and tranquility. then, and only then, will the world redeem itself of its stupid, stupid vanities and filthy greedy ways. and then, and only then, will there be no danger of the earth mistakes spreading to other planets and galaxies. it will be a beautiful time.
{beat surrender}thats about it for me.
Tuesday, July 3, 2001:

o-k. the whole webpage thing is getting to be may too much of a "thing" around here. i mean, its a great thing. but i think i will stick to writing with the ol' pen & paper. i havent decided for sure yet, but thats what i am leaning towards. so, if you object (doubtful) say something or rather.
{beat surrender}what
Tuesday, July 3, 2001:

sigh. computers are not my thing. and i dont mind. no i dont mind. if only i knew some things, though. much like i wish i knew WHY IM HERE.
{beat surrender}

this is what you get
Godspeed you Black Emperor!
genius
A.C.Jobim music